The Haunting of Insecurities

The Haunting of Insecurities

(Written by Angelo Lorenzo)

     All people have their personal flaws. While some have their extraordinary talent which they can share relentlessly. There are people in this world who haven’t discovered their skills and capabilities yet, as there are people who are proud of themselves for achieving too much.

     At the end of the day, we do often ask ourselves: what is our purpose? What are we made for? What are we ought to do? We sometimes get envious of other people’s personal achievements and of the great talents they showcase to others because, let’s just accept one fact, we cannot do what they can nor are we as good as they are. The bottom-line is, when we think too much of this negativity within us, when we think that we aren’t as good enough as everybody else, when we haven’t truly discovered our talents that could be hidden deep within us yet and fret about it, then we are most likely insecure of ourselves.

     Insecurity, as what I understand about it, is something that we often feel about ourselves. When we happen to face the reality that we do not have some extraordinary talents and skills to show like other people do, when we feel barren and doubtful about ourselves, when we easily get jealous of other people’s personal triumphs and the fame that they have, then we are in the state of insecurity. Our insecurities are often times not mainly focused too much on talents or skills, often times it is based on physical appearance as well. When we don’t see ourselves as “attractive” and as “good-looking” as others are, we often tend to become insecure. There are plenty of examples of being insecure to others and I might as well have to share some of mine.

     To be entirely honest to the reader, I confess that I suffer from insecurity most of the time. I can honestly say that I have some problems about myself and that there are things in life where I want to be wonderfully good in doing, only I cannot do them very well because I am not so good in doing them even though I try as hard as I can (yikes! Do you follow? I’ll tell you about it.). One example is my grades. Okay, I admit, although I study well and balance my time to focus on my studies, I still couldn’t achieve the grades that I am hoping to achieve (like, a report card that contains mostly A’s. I only end up having B’s, B-minuses, and sometimes C’s, the highest grade I had last semester was A, but it was only one subject. Although I am always hoping to achieve more A’s in my report card for all the subjects that I am taking, I sometimes have a hard time in attaining them). It is also true that there are people who I particularly envy because they get straight A’s even though they do not work as hard (hmmmn.. I think so?) as I do in putting my effort wholeheartedly in studying my subjects. No matter how hard I study, I just couldn’t reach the perfection that I have always wanted. No one is pressuring me. My parents, most especially my mother, tells me that they are already very proud of me for doing good in my studies. Although I pass all of my subjects, I still lack that feeling of contentment unless and until I achieve grades that are full of A’s. A for achievement! A for attainment! A for Angelo! When I just couldn’t reach up to my personal standards, this led me to feel insecure about myself.

     Another example that I would like to share is my physical appearance. To be honest, I am often insecure about the way I look. Yes, you may find it weird that I’m a guy but I feel insecure too much on my physical form, but it is what I am sometimes feeling. There are plenty of good looking people in this world and I think that I do not belong in any of them. Now, I know that you see my picture in my blog and on the headline of my blog, but I can agree with you (if you are thinking what I am thinking) that there is nothing special with the way I look. I am of average height, slim (yet weirdly slim because although I am thin, I think that I have the flabbiest belly in the world!), and not of athletic build. Sometimes I envy and get jealous of other guys my age who are (okay, this is unusual but please bear with me) good looking, have the body of an athlete, are capable of being a model, who have a face comparable to that of a celebrity (there goes Mr. Universe!) and who the girls sought after with their throbbing hearts. Okay! I get it. Maybe I can never be like them? Perhaps I belong to the average people who look nothing special in their appearance. But of all the insecurities that I have, I think this is the problem that is the least troubling me and the easiest to manage of all. Because I believe that physical beauty will fade as we grow older. The boys who look good today may not really look good when they become older and aged as they are during the prime of their youth (like me! Hello there, I’m an average-looking eighteen-year-old guy who might look like Popeye when I reach the age of forty). I always reassure myself that physical beauty is of less importance and is transient. It will never stay permanent within a person. Studies also show that the people who are seriously vain about themselves when they are young, have the greater possibility to encounter their middle-aged crisis when they couldn’t accept that they would look worn out when they reach the age of oldness (they could even have too much trouble and difficulty in coping with it). Well, although my heart constantly wishes myself to be good looking and attractive, I have to accept the reality that I look average and that physical beauty does not matter to a person on how he is able to attain success in life! This is the one problem of mine that, although it keeps coming back, is easy to manage and is simple to handle.

     Last but not the least, is my talents and skills. Okay. I notice that this is the generation of fame and of popularity and most of the people in this world are often praised for their incredible talents and for their amazing skills on how they deliver their craft. I love to sing. But my voice? Hmmmn.. I guess it could scare away all the bats in a cave when I would utter a single falsetto sound. There are plenty of people whom I know who can dance well, sing well, and act well. They also have the great confidence of showcasing it to other people. Sometimes I envy them for doing what they do best, for being granted the chance of fame for their wonderful talents and skills, and for making good use of them. I sometimes wish that I could acquire something like their talents and make a name for myself with it. But maybe I can’t. There are just some gifted people in this world blessed with the talents that were bestowed upon them and maybe I’m not one of them. I’m happy for them to have achieved their success in life through it. What could I do? This is who I am and they are who they are. This is quite saddening for my part and a little frustrating, too.

     We often ask, “Why can’t I ever have the chance to be under the spotlight?” or “When can I ever find the worth of myself?” Insecurities could lead to negative thinking and negativity could lead to cynicism and that is the worst way of thinking of all. To be honest, I doubt about myself. I doubt if I could be as good as the others are. I doubt if I could find success in life, knowing that I haven’t discovered my special skills and talents within myself yet. I doubt if I could ever find what is worth within myself.

     To escape this ongoing misery led by the haunting of my insecurities, I always focus on the positive things in life. So what if I don’t get straight A’s? At least I learn something from the subjects that I am studying and that I pass them. So what if I’m not good looking and attractive? At least I am alive and well and I am healthy. So what if I do not sing well, nor dance well, nor perform well, nor showcase some of those kinds of talents well like the others do? At least I find solace in writing (as being a writer someday is one of my major dreams and ambition in life and I am extremely determined to pursue it!), and writing is what I am good at. So what if I am one of the average people? At least I know that there is something in me (although undiscovered yet), some sort of a potential that is yet to be in full bloom that could make me succeed in life. So what if I think that I’m nothing special? I have my family and my friends who love me for who I am and life would be utterly meaningless without them.

      To the readers who may be currently experiencing some sort of insecurities, or if you think that you don’t feel good about yourself, heed my words: you are not alone and you can surpass this stage in your life. Always focus on the positive things in life. Close the book of pessimism and open the windows and the door for optimism to come inside your life. Be brave to live life to the fullest and when you begin to doubt yourself, always think that you are special in  someone else’s life. Insecurities? Let go of them and move on!